Not Your Buddy

This was an article sent by Lisa…

I feel it really is an important message to all the women to take note (and all the men who have been labeled “heartbreakers”). Particularly since what is written hits close to home and I feel so much like how the author feels when faced with this situation

So read up and remember to take ALL the pointers home… Don’t throw your heart around so much girls!

Not Your Buddy by Suzanne Hadley

The other day I was having lunch with a friend and she began to pour out an all-too-familiar story. The guy she’d been hanging out with four nights a week, the one who’d made her a jazz mix CD and asked her to be his date to his office Christmas party, the one who’d gone to late-night movies with her and made her pasta — that guy — had crushed her hopes (again) with a single, nonchalant statement: “I don’t see myself in a relationship anytime soon.”

I tried to reassure my friend that the guy probably thought she was beautiful and fabulous and smart but had just made a choice to be single for now.

“But we have such a great connection,” she moaned. “We’re such good friends!”

I felt anger well up. This was not the first time I’d heard this story. I could count nearly half a dozen friends who found themselves in this same frustrating situation. After investing months in late night talks, meals together and flirty e-mails, each woman faced the sad reality that the guy actually wasn’t planning to upgrade their friendship to, well, marriage.

It’s Not Our Fault!

I decided to discuss this trend with a few of my guy friends. I specifically targeted Brad, whose boyish good looks and abundance of charm had lured in more than one hopeful woman and gained him a reputation as a heartbreaker.

“Do you think it’s wrong for a guy to initiate one-on-one time with a woman when he has no intentions with her?” I asked.

My friend paused, savoring the question. “I think,” he said, “if a woman wants something to be there, she’s going to see something there.”

His buddies smirked knowingly.

“But don’t you think seeking her out and spending time with her encourages it?” I prodded.

“She’s the one who’s choosing to view that as special treatment,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s her interpretation.”

“Can you tell when a girl’s interested in you?”

“Usually.”

“Then why would you lead her on like that?”

“She’s free to say no anytime. Until then, I’ll assume she’s OK with it.”

By “OK,” I guessed he meant the girl could handle it emotionally.

His buddies slapped him on the back.

“That’s right,” one of them piped up. “Women are always going to read into something. If you catered to it, you’d have to give up female friends completely.”

Mutually Exclusive

The most helpful book I never read was a little relationship book called He’s Just Not That Into You. The title alone provided the answer to a decade’s old inner struggle I’ve had. You know, the one that causes a single female to hope a relationship will develop out of a friendship despite a complete absence of evidence of the fact.

In her book Relationships, former college professor Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. Dr. Reeve observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage.

Companions, she says, generally spend less than two hours together a week. When a man indicates he would like to see the woman more than that, but claims they are “just friends,” he sends a mixed message.

Dr. Reeve writes: “One party can selfishly enjoy all the benefits of a relationship, the warmth and relief from loneliness, the satisfaction of the attention that feeds the ego — all without the accompanying commitment. One party luxuriates, while the other party feels cheated and is left with deep unsatisfied longings.”

I’ve recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the “intimate friends” category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a “friend,” all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more.

Unfortunately, even if the guy senses the woman’s interest, like my friend Brad, he has not made a direct offer to her and therefore feels no obligation to clear up the matter. Maybe we could chalk that up to communication differences between men and women: a man may be oblivious to unspoken signs that he has been placed in the “future husband” category. What he may be viewing as an innocent dinner, she sees as an indication that the friendship is developing into more. But men should assume that if a woman is spending a lot of time with him, she is interested and she is investing her emotions. (I suspect men realize this more often than they’ll admit, but hold onto these ego-boosting relationships anyway.)

Women, on the other hand, need to assume less. A woman should not assume that a guy friend she’s spending time with is: a) just too shy to make a move; b) thinking she’s the woman of his dreams but the timing isn’t right; c) in denial of God’s will that they be together.

We get it. A woman loves to read into a guy’s every action. That’s her relational crime. But the guy does her a disservice by allowing her to be his “buddy girl” — a female friend who provides the relational benefits without the commitment.

In his article Physical Intimacy and the Single Man, Matt Schmucker points out that men defraud their sisters when they indulge in this type of relationship. “Simply put,” he writes, “a man defrauds a woman when, by his words or actions, he promises the benefits of marriage to a woman he either has no intention of marrying or if he does, has no way of finally knowing that he will.”

Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these “friendships” waste time and energy.

Stepping Back

Men and women who find themselves in a dead-end friendship, should take responsibility. A woman is responsible to be wise with her heart. Solomon said, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Prov. 4:23). If a woman feels her heart longing for a man who’s not pursuing her, indulging those feelings is unwise.

Song of Songs puts it this way, “Do not awaken love before it so desires.” As a generation of women drunk on chick flicks, we want romance to happen so badly we allow ourselves to fantasize about relationships that have no founding.

About a year ago, my sister, a college junior, was receiving regular phone calls from Nick, a guy friend who had transferred to another school. During their conversations he would shower her with compliments, ask her what she was looking for in a guy and talk about taking her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant when he visited. At the same time, he congratulated her for being the only girl he could really talk to who wouldn’t “get the wrong idea.”

Despite her desire to be that exception, Sarah found herself increasingly confused by Nick’s attention. She realized she was beginning to entertain romantic thoughts. After seeking counsel, Sarah decided she needed to cut back on her interactions with Nick to protect her heart.

During their next phone conversation, she explained how she felt. Nick admitted he wasn’t interested in her as more than a friend, but he seemed shocked and offended that Sarah wanted to back off.

Just as a woman should take measures to guard her heart in relationships, a guy should seek to protect the emotions of his female friends. Paul instructed Timothy to treat young women “as sisters with absolute purity.” I can say this from experience — you never have to wonder if your brother is romantically interested in you.

I have interacted with guys who are genuine and friendly without making me wonder if they want me to have their children. Like a good dance partner, the guy gently eases me to a place where I understand he considers me a friend only. We may engage in a meaningful friendship, but he does not give false signals by inviting me to dinner, e-mailing me daily or initiating extended time together. While these actions are fine if the guy is interested, they are misleading if he’s not.

Make Room for Romance

Ecclesiastes croons, “There is a time for love.” If, as a woman, you are indulging in an intimate friendship with a man who is not pursuing you, you are accepting a cheap imitation of love. And by spending all your time with a guy who will never put a ring on your finger, you may miss a potential suitor.

If, as a man, you are spending large quantities of time with a woman, you may want to consider if perhaps the relationship is deserving of an upgrade to an intentional relationship that explores the possibility of matrimony. If not, do your sister the courtesy of making your stance clear, freeing her to be pursued by another man.

Above all, if you find yourself in an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex, ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment. Describing the complexity of relationships, Dr. Reeve uses the words of a poster she once read:

Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing….
It requires real maturity to get involved and not get all messed up.

“Never,” she concludes, “is this more true than in relationships between men and women.”

I couldn’t agree more with the good doctor. When it comes to male-female relationships, lacking intent, the buddy system is a bad idea.

Flight Laments

After being spoilt for at least two decades of MAS first class treatment, being downgraded to economy class was a personal achievement for me.

And then, I came across Air Asia.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m probably just gonna grumble a bit about Air Asia, but Air Asia is great in that really and truly, now everyone can fly.

I have no qualms about the lack of leg space…

I even saw a caucasian, fairly round man fit into the seat just fine (although I can imagine, must be pretty uncomfortable).

The worst part of Air Asia is the standard of how the announcements are made. The English announcements were given in such inaudible sounds, it made me really disgusted. Even that can not compare with the unprofessional approaches of the stewards/stewardesses.

Laughing out loud into the speaker?

hmm…

Even if they are low budget, can’t they at least train their staff to be more professional in their service?

Perhaps, I really have been spoilt with MAS service all my life and seeing such horrendous unprofessional behaviour just shocks me to the bone.

More on my actual trip later…

The Gift of Woundedness

A good article sent by Jen…

Francis Frangipane: “The Gift of Woundedness”
by Francis Frangipane
Nov 30, 2008

The world and all it contains was created for one purpose: to showcase the grandeur of God’s Son. In Jesus, the nature of God is magnificently and perfectly revealed; He is the “express image” of God (Hebrews 1:3). Yet to gaze upon Christ is also to see God’s pattern for man. As we seek to be like Him, we discover that our need was created for His sufficiency. We also see that, once the redemptive nature of Christ begins to triumph in our lives, mercy begins to triumph in the world around us.
How will we recognize revival when it comes? Behold, here is the awakening we seek: men and women, young and old, all conformed to Jesus. When will revival begin? It starts the moment we say yes to becoming like Him; it spreads to others as Christ is revealed through us.
Yet to embrace Christ’s attitude toward mercy is but a first step in our spiritual growth. The process of being truly conformed to Christ compels us into deeper degrees of transformation. Indeed, just as Jesus learned obedience through the things that He suffered (see Hebrews 5:8), so also must we. And it is here, even while we stand in intercession or service to God, that Christ gives us the gift of woundedness.

“Gift?” you ask. Yes, to be wounded in the service of mercy and, instead of closing our hearts, allow woundedness to crown love, is to release God’s power in redemption. The steadfast prayer of the wounded intercessor holds great sway upon the heart of God.

We cannot become Christlike without being wounded. You see, even after we come to Christ, we carry encoded within us preset limits concerning how far we will go for love, and how much we are willing to suffer for redemption. When God allows us to be wounded, He exposes those human boundaries and reveals what we lack of His nature.

The path narrows as we seek true transformation. Indeed, many Christians fall short of Christ’s stature because they have been hurt and offended by people. They leave churches discouraged, vowing never again to serve or lead or contribute because, when they offered themselves, their gift was marred by unloving people. To be struck or rejected in the administration of our service can become a great offense to us, especially as we are waiting for, and even expecting, a reward for our good efforts.
Yet wounding is inevitable if we are following Christ. Jesus was both “marred” (Isaiah 52:14) and “wounded” (Zechariah 13:6), and if we are sincere in our pursuit of His nature, we will suffer as well. How else will love be perfected?

Yet, let us beware. We will either become Christlike and forgive the offenders or we will enter a spiritual time warp where we abide continually in the memory of our wounding. Like a systemic disease, the hurtful memories infect every aspect of our existence. In truth, apart from God, the wounding that life inflicts is incurable. God has decreed that only Christ in us can survive.
The Wounds of a Prayer Warrior

Intercessors live on the frontier of change. We are positioned to stand between the needs of man and the provision of God. Because we are the agents of redemption, satan will always seek the means to offend, discourage, silence, or otherwise steal the strength of our prayers. The wounding we receive must be interpreted in light of God’s promise to reverse the effects of evil and make injustice work for our good (see Romans 8:28). Since spiritual assaults are inevitable, we must discover how God uses our wounds as the means to greater power. This was exactly how Christ brought redemption to the world.
Jesus knew that maintaining love and forgiveness in the midst of suffering was the key that unlocked the power of redemption. Isaiah 53:11 tells us, “By His knowledge the Righteous One, My Servant, will justify the many, as He will bear their iniquities.”

Jesus possessed revelation knowledge into the mystery of God. He knew that the secret to unleashing world-transforming power was found at the Cross, in suffering. At the Cross, payment for sin was made. As Christ forgave His enemies, Heaven’s power rent the temple veil in two. Christ’s stripes purchased our healing. I am not just talking about suffering, but the suffering of love.

The terrible offense of the Cross became the place of redemption for the world. Yet, remember, Jesus calls us to a Cross as well (see Matthew 16:24). Wounding is simply an altar upon which our sacrifice to God is prepared.

Listen again to Isaiah’s prophetic description of Jesus’ life. His words at first seem startling, but as we read, we discover a most profound truth concerning the power of woundedness. He wrote, “But the Lord was pleased to crush Him, putting Him to grief; if He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, and the good pleasure of the Lord will prosper in His hand” (Isaiah 53:10).

How did the power of God’s pleasure prosper in Christ’s hand? During His times of crushing, woundedness and devastation, instead of retaliating, Jesus rendered Himself “as a guilt offering.”
The crushing is not a disaster; it is an opportunity. You see, our purposeful love may or may not touch the sinner’s heart, but it always touches the heart of God. We are crushed by people, but we need to allow the crushing to ascend as an offering to God. The greatest benefit of all is the effect our mercy has on the Father. If we truly want to be instruments of God’s good pleasure, then it is redemption, not wrath, that must prosper in our hands. If we are Christ-followers, we must offer ourselves as an offering for the guilt of others.

Conformed to the Lamb
When Christ encounters conflict, though He is the Lion of Judah, He comes as the Lamb of God. Even when He is outwardly stern, His heart is always mindful that He is the “guilt offering.” Thus, Jesus not only asks the Father to forgive those who have wounded Him, but also numbers Himself with the transgressors and intercedes for them (see Isaiah 53:12). He does this because the Father takes “no pleasure in the death of the wicked” (Ezekiel 33:11), and it is the pleasure of God that Jesus seeks.
Is this not the wonder and mystery, yes, and the power, of Christ’s Cross? In anguish and sorrow, wounded in heart and soul, still He offered Himself for His executioners’ sins. Without visible evidence of success, deemed a sinner and a failure before man, He courageously held true to mercy. In the depth of terrible crushing, He let love attain its most glorious perfection. He uttered the immortal words, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

Christ could have escaped. He told Peter as the Romans came to arrest Him, “Do you think that I cannot appeal to My Father, and He will at once put at My disposal more than twelve legions of angels?” (Matthew 26:53). In less than a heartbeat, the skies would have been flooded with thousands of warring angels. Yes, Jesus could have escaped, but mankind would have perished. Christ chose to go to hell for us rather than return to Heaven without us. Instead of condemning mankind, He rendered “Himself as a guilt offering” (Isaiah 53:10, italics mine). He prayed the mercy prayer, “Father, forgive them” (Luke 23:34).

Jesus said, “He who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also” (John 14:12). We assume He meant that we would work His miracles, but Jesus did not limit His definition of “works” to the miraculous. The works He did – the redemptive life, the mercy cry, the identification with sinners, rendering Himself a guilt offering – all the works He did, we will “do also.”

Thus, because He lives within us, we see that Isaiah 53 does not apply exclusively to Jesus; it also becomes the blueprint for Christ in us. Indeed, was this not part of His reward, that He would see His offspring? (see Isaiah 53:10) Beloved, we are the progeny of Christ!

Read these words from Paul’s heart:
“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I do my share on behalf of His Body, which is the Church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions” (Colossians 1:24).

What did the apostle mean? Did not Christ fully pay mankind’s debts once and for all? Did Paul imply that we now take Jesus’ place? No, we will never take Jesus’ place. It means that Jesus has come to take our place. The Son of God manifests all the aspects of His redemptive, sacrificial life through us. Indeed, “as He is, so also are we in this world” (1 John 4:17).

Paul not only identified with Christ in his personal salvation, but he was also consumed with Christ’s purpose. He wrote, “That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death” (Philippians 3:10).

For those who blame others for the decline of our nation, to be a follower of the Lamb, you must render yourself as an offering for their sin. By your wounds they shall be healed.

What a wondrous reality is the “fellowship of His sufferings.” Here, in choosing to yoke our existence with Christ’s purpose, we find true friendship with Jesus. This is intimacy with Christ. The sufferings of Christ are not the sorrows typically endured by mankind; they are the afflictions of love. They bring us closer to Jesus. We learn how precious is the gift of woundedness.

Let’s pray: Father, I see You have had no other purpose in my life but to manifest through me the nature of Your Son. I receive the gift of woundedness. In response, in surrender to Christ, I render myself an offering for those You’ve used to crush me. May the fragrance of my worship remind You of Jesus, and may You forgive, sprinkle and cleanse the world around me.